Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Mental toughness

While I still feel like a puss-ass when it comes to really hunkering down, the hourage seems to flow by rather quickly. I don't keep track of the time that well. I think I woke up around seven thirty... went down and sat in front of the commuter goat and drank my cap and read the pressdemocrap.

The commuter goat is the fast version of the flying goat. No seats except for the two steel tables sitting outside with two chairs apiece, esconced in a small shopping center off center street here in Healdsburg. It's next to the cheese shop, a place I would go if I had any money at all. Me and Deb actually thought about buying.

Then back to the grind. I did 38 micromash mbe's that I had seen before, and scored about 60%. I'm slowing down now and looking more carefully at the answers. I've decided I don't need to do as many if I take more care to see why they are right or wrong. Then an torts essay from 87...then 30 more mbe's at about 70% from the pmbr's third book.

When the sun starts to set an orange glow comes through the pumpkin colored sheet of butcher paper that I wrote part of my evidence outline on. It covers the window and stretches across the walls with some of my other old outlines and commercial flowcharts. It has kind of a calming effect, sort of like a yoga class. I don't know how long I've been at it.

I know I went down to Parkpoint and swam for at least half an hour maybe forty five minutes. I've swam since I was four, so it's easy for me to get a good workout. The sun feels good. I want to sit on a lawnchair in the sun, like a teacher on summer break. No more summer vacation for me. But then again it wasn't that great anyway. I was broke all the time. Free time and no money, or no free time and money. What a choice. I go back to my hovel and listen to the torts lecture.

I think a lot of bar prep courses start with torts because it's so easy. They want you to get your confidence up, because confidence is absolutely key to succeeding. Once your confidence goes, then so do you.

I remember walking across a steep snow slop in the Sierras. For a time in my foolish twenties, I took to going into the wilderness alone.

I stepped across the slope and tried to place each foot in the holes made by other boots. It was still midafternoon, and the snow was melting. I reached a certain point and suddenly reflected upon the steep slope, and the inevitable broken rib or leg that would result from a spill, and instantly slipped, barely managing to keep from shootin down the hill.

Never halt on a shifting slope. Even if you think you have a firm foothold, as you take time to catch your breath and have a look at the sky, the ground will settle a little under your weight, the gravel will begin to slip imperceptibly, and suddenly it will drop away under you and launch you like a ship. The mountain is always watching for a chance to give you a spill.
-Rene Daumal


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